[ UGHHHHH he covers his face and takes a breath. stops pacing. ]
... it's not your fault. I should have talked to you about how we wanted to handle information about Amatsuki the first damn day we were here. [ muffled ] I should have - told you something more about this sooner.
None of us wanted to tell people the details. Bradley, Alphinaud, and I have only told our dormmates that have asked about the neighborhood and the monster, and not even the reality of what the fuck it was. Manwol said she only told Byleth anything substantial.
But when we found your bodies, it was just normal. We put you there. We'd killed you. We killed Nier and threw him down there with you, blew up the house.
The one Sieghart told me about didn't sound nearly as messed up as this. How did you even... get back to normal. [Things he refrains from asking: You are back to normal, right?] Was that because you killed that... monster you mentioned?
Obviously you didn't really kill me so I don't really care myself, personally. I just don't want anyone finding out I'm not real, Shinonome. Not everyone's going to be like Ichiro and insist it doesn't make my life worth less.
It really wasn't remotely as fucked up. [ like it was bad? it was definitely bad! but it was not - this. ] We slept again on the second night, after we burnt the house down. The third day, we woke up and were ourselves again, but with all the memories still. That was when we dealt with that - thing.
[ after i burnt the house down, really, but he doesn't say that.
but that throws him for a loop, and he stares at him like he's grown a second head. ]
I haven't said jack or shit about you in relation to Amatsuki, Tsuyukusa. People only know that we know each from before Wiwaldi other because we act like it in public, not because I've told them - what, that you're part of Amatsuki and not from Higan? I'm an asshole, and we don't like each other, but I'm not that kind of an asshole.
Well how am I supposed to know? I still barely even understand everything that happened back there... I don't know why you did what you did or whatever, I don't-
[Mussing up his hair fretfully!!] I don't even know what it all means... Everything with Shinshuu or Lili or whatever, and then Byakuroku, and I had to- and I didn't even have that much time to think, but now that's all I can do, and other versions of me are getting killed and maybe none of it even matters since none of it really happened, I just- All I want to do is tell Bon what a fucking idiot he is but he's gone and [JUST MAKES A FRUSTRATED NOISE AND SINKS INTO A MISERABLE CROUCH.]
that's all kon can think, as he looks down at him there. thinking about the vacant stare from the hole, as they pushed a still-warm nier down into it with tsuyukusa. the headless body of lila - now fucking gone, before he could ever really have a proper face-to-face conversation with her again without flinching or looking away from her. toki texting him like nothing was wrong, and that being the last action that was his own before his autonomy was taken. kuchiha as he ran her over again. and again. and again and again and -
he feels his stomach turning again, crouching down opposite him. ]
Like it or not, we're - we're in this together, Tsuyukusa. It's just us. [ quiet, strained ] But Bonten's still alive, in Higan, and you're going to be able to tell him that. And I don't know what either of us can do, but I'm so fucking tired after these two weeks. I'm tired of control and choices being taken from us all over again, but this time we don't have even a clue of what's going on.
I'll answer everything I can about Amatsuki, I'll - I don't know. I don't know what I'll do to help you process what happened to you. But we have to get through Wiwaldi alive to be able to get back to Toki and the others.
[He’s just quiet for a long moment. There is so much happening and he doesn’t know what to do about any of it. But he latches onto one thing he can grapple with. That he’s thought about a lot.]
But that’s wrong, isn’t it? [Looking up, blearily.] Just like Utsubushi is that guy Hashita, and Shinshuu is Lili, Bonten is someone else, isn’t he? He’s not my brother anymore.
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no subject
... Sorry.
[HONESTLY HE JUST DOES NOT KNOW WHAT ELSE THERE IS TO SAY???]
no subject
... it's not your fault. I should have talked to you about how we wanted to handle information about Amatsuki the first damn day we were here. [ muffled ] I should have - told you something more about this sooner.
None of us wanted to tell people the details. Bradley, Alphinaud, and I have only told our dormmates that have asked about the neighborhood and the monster, and not even the reality of what the fuck it was. Manwol said she only told Byleth anything substantial.
But when we found your bodies, it was just normal. We put you there. We'd killed you. We killed Nier and threw him down there with you, blew up the house.
no subject
Obviously you didn't really kill me so I don't really care myself, personally. I just don't want anyone finding out I'm not real, Shinonome. Not everyone's going to be like Ichiro and insist it doesn't make my life worth less.
no subject
[ after i burnt the house down, really, but he doesn't say that.
but that throws him for a loop, and he stares at him like he's grown a second head. ]
I haven't said jack or shit about you in relation to Amatsuki, Tsuyukusa. People only know that we know each from before Wiwaldi other because we act like it in public, not because I've told them - what, that you're part of Amatsuki and not from Higan? I'm an asshole, and we don't like each other, but I'm not that kind of an asshole.
1/2
Well how am I supposed to know? I still barely even understand everything that happened back there... I don't know why you did what you did or whatever, I don't-
2/2
I don't even know what it all means... Everything with Shinshuu or Lili or whatever, and then Byakuroku, and I had to- and I didn't even have that much time to think, but now that's all I can do, and other versions of me are getting killed and maybe none of it even matters since none of it really happened, I just- All I want to do is tell Bon what a fucking idiot he is but he's gone and
[JUST MAKES A FRUSTRATED NOISE AND SINKS INTO A MISERABLE CROUCH.]
no subject
that's all kon can think, as he looks down at him there. thinking about the vacant stare from the hole, as they pushed a still-warm nier down into it with tsuyukusa. the headless body of lila - now fucking gone, before he could ever really have a proper face-to-face conversation with her again without flinching or looking away from her. toki texting him like nothing was wrong, and that being the last action that was his own before his autonomy was taken. kuchiha as he ran her over again. and again. and again and again and -
he feels his stomach turning again, crouching down opposite him. ]
Like it or not, we're - we're in this together, Tsuyukusa. It's just us. [ quiet, strained ] But Bonten's still alive, in Higan, and you're going to be able to tell him that. And I don't know what either of us can do, but I'm so fucking tired after these two weeks. I'm tired of control and choices being taken from us all over again, but this time we don't have even a clue of what's going on.
I'll answer everything I can about Amatsuki, I'll - I don't know. I don't know what I'll do to help you process what happened to you. But we have to get through Wiwaldi alive to be able to get back to Toki and the others.
no subject
But that’s wrong, isn’t it?
[Looking up, blearily.] Just like Utsubushi is that guy Hashita, and Shinshuu is Lili, Bonten is someone else, isn’t he? He’s not my brother anymore.